Jul. 30th, 2012

serina_ds: (Default)
Feel free to ignore this, I'm just going to spend a bit of time stream-of-consciousness-ing.

I am a poly, bi, geeky, kinky bibliophile who loves to dance and can get easily distracted on occasion. This is me. I don't pretend to be anything I'm not, and I'm as WYSIWYG as it gets, to the point of being flirt-blind and totally unable to pick up signals directed at me on occasion. If you tell me that you're flirting, or have a problem, or need support, or that something I did upset you, I will do my best to respond appropriately. 

But I need you to let me know. If I ask you 'is everything all right?' and you say 'I'm fine', then I will take you at face value. I'm very happy to communicate, but I need you to be the same. If you just need time to process something, and I can't help - just tell me. If it's something to do with me, and you didn't really want to talk right now - tell me. If you think I've just been an idiot and done something stupid - tell me. Even if it's just that you think that colour really doesn't suit me, and what the hell was I thinking putting that hat on, tell me. I won't be upset. I'll thank you for being honest. Because you are dear to me, and I know you care, and you wouldn't say something deliberately hurtful. That means you're saying this to help me, to help our relationship, and to let me know that something is up.

The majority of the people in my life do this. I have the most amazing partners, wonderful friends, and absolutely fantastic family. They are all loving, supportive, caring, fabulous people. I could not ask for better. This piece is not to those people. This piece is about/to someone who will never read it, will never know about this, and who will not be getting any contact from me, because I refuse to be That Ex.

Even though I'm leaving this post open by default, please be aware that this is more hostile than my usual style and is not aimed at anyone who has access to my LJ. I dislike negativity in my life, and this is just to process a recent event. So with that caveat....

I'm glad you're out of my life. There, I said it. You're not who I thought you were.

You do not get to tell me I'm a princess for having an opinion that disagrees with yours and a strong enough belief in myself that I'm willing to debate the issue.
You do not get to tell me that I'm 'insulting your intelligence' because I'm bubbling over to talk about stuff you haven't read about. You do not get to say I'm ranting at you, merely because I'm trying to tell you that feminism and rape culture do not mean what you think it means.
You do not get to accuse me of repeatedly not turning up to events that you were already going to be at when more than once you were supposed to come pick me up and you were 2 or 3 hours late or just didn't turn up.
You do not get to accuse me of only contacting you when I wanted something when this is a mode of communication that you instigated. All those times you didn't respond when I just poked you to say hi? How did you think I would react?
You do not get to stop dating me after three years by just blocking me from your phone and not bothering to respond to messages for a month. Especially since I was already used to this behaviour from you, assuming that you genuinely were ill those times when I wouldn't hear from you for weeks on end. Each time I worried about your health? You threw that right back in my face with this action.
You do not then get to tell me I'm childish and 'don't understand subtlety or irony or manners' for not having picked up the hint that you just weren't interested anymore.
You do not get to not bother to tell me about relationship issues (knowing full well my blindspots when it comes to picking up signals) and then blame me for being oblivious and rude to excuse your way of breaking up. You do not get to take advantage by telling me that I'm just not acknowledging my obliviousness and rudeness when I warned you about my tendency to miss signals, and my need for open honest communication, and my worries about missing things. 
And most of all, you do not get to ever make me doubt myself just to justify your own childish and immature behaviour.

So, yes, I'm glad you're out of my life. I won't waste more time on you, or your fragile bruised ego. You are not worth my energy, my affection, or my emotional support. I will never say that time spent in a relationship is a waste, but to let you be a part of my life anymore would be.

So goodbye, thank you for the good memories, and don't let the door hit you on the way out. This girl won't be changing herself to suit you.


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